Tag Archives: Christmas

Treasure These Things

Little boys can be frustrating! They do really weird things like… take their clothes off when they walk in the house, pour their milk in the car cup holder without telling anybody, stick foreign objects up their little noses. (I’ve only heard of these things. My boys are angels.) But, oh my goodness, can’t they just melt your heart? Even when they are acting like wild animals, there is something sweet in their mischief.
The other day, the boys were in the bath tub, & I accidentally splashed Bubba with water. He cocked his head, smiled a crooked smile, & said, “Hey, watch it you crazy girl!” Now, a part of me stopped & thought… child, you have lost your mind; but an even bigger part of me thought it was just too adorably irresistible. I couldn’t get mad. It seemed so sweet & funny him calling me girl.

I wonder if Mary experienced those same moments with Jesus? I wonder if she placed her hand on his chest at night to make sure he was breathing? Did she worry about him making friends in carpentry school? Did she get frustrated when he spilled his grape juice and ruined his lovely white tunic? Did she lose her patience when Jesus and James used sticks as swords?

We know she and Joseph worried about Jesus. When Jesus stayed behind at the temple, Mary and Joseph “anxiously searched” for Jesus & finally found him, 3 days later! Yes, THREE days! Can you imagine? If you have ever lost a child, even for one minute, you know that terror. And then, when you find them doing something like playing in the clothes racks… Well, relief, love, and anger make for a fantastic scene in Target. (Again, just a story I’ve heard…not a personal experience.)

Surely, when Mary walked into the temple and saw Jesus teaching away with an audience, she felt all of those same feelings. She actually said, “Son, why have you treated us like this?” Jesus kind of did what Ryder did to me…”Hey crazy girl, I’m about my father’s business!(Not exactly in those words.)
The bible says they didn’t understand, but Mary “treasured these things in her heart.” I love that. Mary didn’t fully realize what was happening, but she knew something was up. Losing Jesus couldn’t have been pleasant. She was horrified! She didn’t mean treasure like a gold coin, but she treasured them… treasure as a verb. She locked it up in her heart to think and pray about.
We can do this. We can be like Mary. All the things we have to watch our children, our friends, & our family go through, all the changes we see in them, the good times and the bad, maybe…we should treasure these things in our hearts.

If they are little happy moments we can savor them and thank God for his blessings. If they are not so happy, and you are in a time of trouble, or you are just confused about life, treasure these things. Stop, capture the moment, hold it in your heart. Change is coming, and when it does, like Mary, you can pull out this moment, look at it closely, and see your savior was in the middle all along.

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We Gonna Party Like It’s Your Birthday

Happy Birthday! I’m throwing you a huge party! Everyone will give each other lots & lots of gifts. You’ll love it!

The only bad thing… is that a bunch of your friends will not be happy. They won’t be satisfied. Their expectations won’t be met. They will feel let down. That’s just some people though…like 1.5 million or so…the rest will be fine.

Well…except for the other  people who will try so hard to please everyone else at the party that they totally forget it’s your party. Oh, and some friends will feel pressured to keep up, and will find themselves in a ‘tiny bit of trouble’ after your party.

Also, people will crash your party. Sorry. Dang Santa…& stupid Elves… Mamas will be tired. Daddys will be grumpy.

One more thing, answer if you get a call; and you WILL get calls. Lots & lots of calls. Your friends will need your help to get through your party. They will need money, sanity, patience… Not the whole time. Just like 22 hours. They will sleep the other two. You can rest then.

Aside from those things, and a million others, you are really gonna love this party, truly. Get ready for fun. It’s your big day…kinda.

I apologize in advance, I’m the worst of all! I love you so much though. Happy early birthday from my crazy family & me. We will really celebrate you this year & try super hard not to get too ridiculously consumed…Well, next year for sure!! Next year, we won’t lose our minds. Or least when the kids get bigger…Yes, when they grow up a little, we will tone it down! Only three presents each when they turn ten. We will really have it all together then…

You Go, Beaux!

I recently googled, “Can I make my elf go away if my kids are bad?” I didn’t find the answers I sought. What I hoped to see,  was an article explaining the value of lessons learned when kids’ mythical creatures discipline them. I found no such information.

Oh well! I don’t need Internet psychologists to tell me how to raise my kids! Bribery, threats, & the occasional shout aren’t beyond the scope of my parenting style. I’m sorry Yahoo Parenting, it doesn’t matter what your ‘experts’ say, when my child goes crazy in Walmart, I can’t calmly watch because it’s ‘normal.’ It’s not normal to lick the buggy or to throw punches while I’m browsing the shower gel aisle. I’m done!

So, after my useless online research, I marched straight into sissy’s room where Beaux the Elf sat. I yelled to him about all the ridiculous behaviors I had observed, while my children looked at me as if I were crazy. Sissy laughed and started telling Beaux to come back anyway. Bubba & Baby Boy didn’t seem to care.

Now, I’m sitting here on the couch fuming! I am truly tired of the wildness! Tomorrow, Beaux will be gone along with the presents! Here is Beaux’s obligatory explanation. (It rhymes of course.)

Your whining, crying, & meaness too, make me oh so mad at you.

 

You took off your diaper and pooped on the floor, is that chocolate or dirt? I don’t know anymore.

 

You’ve literally started climbing the walls. You don’t need three beds, you need three stalls.

 

“Give me, give me, give me… presents,” you say. So I can look at them for a second, then throw them away.

 

You’re driving me crazy so I must declare, LOOK under your tree…POOF,  it’s bare.

So, that’s the plan. Elf goes away & takes the presents with him. I’m just losing my mind! Are everyone else’s kids crazy? Are y’all thinking of running away? Do you buckle them in the car, shut the door, then stand outside taking deep breaths?

I fully intended to be prepared this year. I planned to keep the Christmas consumerism craziness away from my home. I was going to teach them the true meaning of Christmas. I’ve failed, I have failed miserably. Here are some pictures to prove it.

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Climbing the walls
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This child! The jumping, climbing, running…
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I don’t even know? (Oh, I’m hoping, with a onesie snapped over his pants, he can’t take his diaper off!)
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What?
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Unidentified substance
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vaseline bandit
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Crying because she wanted the Pink Playdoh from the goodie bags we made for her FRIENDS!! 😡😡

They are pretty cute though! And, SO much fun! 😊

 

 

Santa, I want a hooker.

Today was the day I finally decided to do it. We saw Santa. It was all I expected and more.  There was a class of preschool children in line in front of us. We waited for a little over an hour. (If you are saying, “I would never stand in a line that long,” well, you don’t understand the persuasive techniques of a determined child.) We waited and waited. To pass the time, each of my children engaged in their own little activities. Bubba, 3 years old, made snowballs out of the fake  snow. He was unaware of the stink eye Santa was giving him. I sweetly asked Bubba to stop being a heathen, and he surprised me with a quick, “Yes mam.” He then quietly returned to the line where I could feel him against my leg. I was thinking how wonderfully this mall trip was going and congratulating myself for kindly redirecting my child. What a progressive disciplinarian I had become. I had no idea that my little man had snuck in his plastic Swiss Army knife. The baby began crying which gave Bubba the opportunity to do a little ‘work’. He slipped out his knife and began ‘fixing’ the motorized wheelchair behind us. He was unaware of the stink eye the poor lady in the wheelchair was giving him. (I say poor lady not because of the wheelchair, but because she was stuck in line behind us.)

Sister, 4 years old, had apparently been appointed line mother. She stared at the little boy in the preschool class who got in trouble. She scolded Bubba fifty million times. For an hour and a half, the whole line had to listen to her sweet but loud voice drag out the following phrases:  “Bubba, Santa is watching. You won’t get any presents.” Has she not heard me threaten him with this over and over? It doesn’t work Sister.  Of course, her true mothering spirit shines its brightest with baby boy. She just loved and loved and loved and loved and loved (I am trying to paint a picture with my words) and loved and loved and loved…ok, you get it. For almost 2 hours, he recieved a massive amount of unwanted hugs and kisses.

Baby boy may have eaten a few inedible objects including the envelope the nice elf lady had to scan. When I handed her the paper, she crinkled up her nose and said, “Yuck.” (Ok, come on elf lady, it’s just a little damp.) Men, women, and children alike stared at baby boy as he happily gnawed on his favorite toys; a plastic saw and measuring spoons.

I will admit, by this time I didn’t care what the picture looked like. I just wanted to see Santa and get away from the North Pole as quickly as possible. I was sweating as though I had run a marathon. The last of the preschool children began to walk away from Santa when the teacher said, “Ok, let’s all go back for our group picture.” (I think I let out an audible cry.) About 20 four year olds piled onto poor Santa’s lap. The teachers gathered around him. The elf ladies shook their little attention getters and said, “Say Cheese!” The cute little kids all smiled. The lady pushed the camera button and NOTHING happened. Nothing! The camera would not work. The little elves scrambled around. The giant line let out a collective gasp. The elf in charge pulled out a bright orange box labeled, Repair Kit. She worked and worked while all those kids squirmed and flounced all over the elderly Santa. Bubba offered his Swiss Army knife, the elf wasn’t amused. She turned around and made an announcement that she was calling tech support. I sat down. The next 20 minutes were a blur. (It must have been the sweat dripping down my forehead and into my eyes.) She finally got the camera working and took the group picture.

It was our turn at last. My children approached Santa hesitantly.

Santa smiled at Sister, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

Sister, “I want a lalaloopsy diaper surprise.”

Santa, “Oh, what is that?”

Me, “Just a doll.”

Sister, “No, she is a special baby that poops charms.”

Santa, “Huh?”

Me… Nervous laughter.

Santa turns to Bubba, “Well hello young man. What would you like?”

Bubba, “I want a helicopter and a hooker.”

Santa, “What?”

Bubba louder thinking Santa couldn’t hear, “A helicopter and a HOOKER.”

Me, “Oh my gosh Santa, I am so embarrassed. He means a hook that comes down from the helicopter and picks up things. You know, Santa, like the coast guard.” More nervous laughter.

Santa, “Ummmm, ok.”

The elf lady put Bubba and Sister in place for the picture. I put baby boy in Santa’s lap. Baby boy grabbed Santa’s beard and smiled. I moved his hand. He grabbed it again. I moved his hand and immediately started singing and making silly hand jestures while I backed away. (I looked like one of the Wiggles.) The elf ladies made their sounds and said, “Say cheese.” The kids all smiled! The picture was adorable!

I know one day my children will be grown and I will look at that picture and remember this innocent moment in time when a hooker was a life saving device, sister only wanted to be a mama to a baby who poops prizes, and baby boy simply needed a dance from mama to smile!

 

 

Buh bum… Call Lt. Stabler

Our elf, Beaux, has arrived, and after my snarky little blog post about the Elf on the Shelf calendars, one would assume that I just casually place Beaux around our home. Oh no, I decided to try a whole scene.
My goal: Beaux plays dress up with a few close friends.
Outcome: Psycho ties up girls and steals their clothes.

It seriously looks like the opening scene from a Law and Order SVU.
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I spent about two hours, half a roll of gorilla tape, and numerous floral wire pieces trying to get Beaux to stand in those shoes. I gorilla taped the wire to his body. (He may now be Beaux who always wears a little black dress.) I tried the same thing with Rapunzel, but she just wouldn’t cooperate. (You know Rapunzel, “Don’t touch my hair, Ouch you’re hurting me…”) She just kept falling over. Not to mention ballerina Belle back there, (AKA the ‘smart’ princess) who wouldn’t quit smelling her armpit.
Lesson: Instead of making fun of ideas that are better than any of your own, use those ideas.
Next year I may just print one of those awesome calendars and plan ahead.

Elf on the Shelf

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I keep seeing these scary adorable Elf on the Shelf calendars. My family has an elf named Beaux. (He is quite pretentious, that’s why he needed the x.) I too have made a lovely little Elf on the Shelf calendar. I am sharing this super time saver with my thousands (ok, I may be exaggerating that number) of followers.  Make sure you print this calendar and hang it in a secret location. As always, post pictures! Others will envy your exceptional ability to create an entire life for a fictional little doll. **You can view the calendar below or click here to see the word document. Elf on shelf calendar

 

~ December 2014 ~
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
  1  Elf shows up, probably terrifies youngest. Start savings account for future therapy required to recover. 2 Do something weird with marshmallows. ex: Elf bath 3 Hang clothes-line with kids’ clothes & Elf in the middle. (personal note: tell husband so he doesn’t run into line causing tree to fall like last year) 4 Elf writes kids’ names in flour. (Too bad Elf doesn’t clean up. I need an Elf for my Elf.) 5 Put Elf in Barbie clothes. Or you can buy specially made Elf clothes. That’s right, BUY your Elf clothes. Just what you need to spend money on. 6 It’s getting old… Just throw the Elf in the tree.
7 It is Sunday… Your Elf should be resting not writing on mirrors or hanging from ceiling fans. 8 Ugh it is Monday…Elf literally on Shelf. 9 Elf on Mantle. 10 Elf on TV. 11 Elf on counter. 12 Elf on picture frame. 13 You are feeling guilty…Elf makes a mess with toilet paper. (You think again how Elf needs an Elf.)
14 Seriously, this Elf rests on Sunday. 15 Oh no, other mamas’ elves are doing good deeds. Hmmm… Elf leaves a note, “Kids, be good.” 16 They have probably forgotten the Elf bath thing… do that again. 17 Do something scary with Elf like tie up the kids’ toys. Maybe it will scare them and you will “have to” put Elf away. 18 You know your kids. Nothing scares them. Now they want Elf to be mean…Great. Elf sits in highchair, gets baby food everywhere. 19 You must redeem Elf’s goodness. Sit him on the chair with the Bible turned to the Christmas story. Post a picture on Facebook… good mama. 20 Elf draws mustaches on the kids pictures. Those little stinkers love mischievousness.
21 WooHoo! Elf’s day of rest. 22 Elf wraps presents. (Too bad that useless little thing can’t actually wrap presents.) 23 Elf is so weary…just google your own ideas. 24 Last one: Buy another Elf. Elf needs an Elf friend. Come on, everybody else is doing it. Just think, next year double the Elf fun! 25 Put both Elves away. 26 Start planning for next year. 27
28 29 30 31 Notes: