My mama gave me her Kohl’s cash. It was $90, and since I recently quit my job this made me rich. I had to spend that cash. So, I threw the kids in the tub, put them in their clothes, hopped into my blue jeans (literally, it takes hopping now), and jumped in the car. We got to Kohl’s and I browsed for about five minutes before everybody started whining and crying. Baby boy hates Big Bertha (double stroller). I bent over the handle bar and held his hands so he could stand. This really put me in an awkward position, because I am not very tall. Bubba didn’t want to sit in Big Bertha, but due to his wandering spirit, I forced him to ride in the front. He was mad because he didn’t want to look like a baby, so he was bouncing up and down in the front seat. (Which only made him look more like a baby…kids & their silly logic.) Sissy’s dance class does a lovely little jig to Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off. She has sung it so much lately that bubba knows it too. Both kids were singing loudly.
Recap: baby screaming, me hunched over Big Bertha holding his hands, sissy dancing around singing, bubba yelling, “Haters gonna hate, hate,hate…” while bouncing the front of Big Bertha (think el camino with hydraulics), oh & I am sweating profusely.
Of course, I knew everybody in the store. I chatted and smiled. Once I looked back and saw the nice lady I was talking to still staring at us & grinning. I assumed it was just my kids’ adorableness. This went on for over an hour while I nervously grabbed stuff trying to get to $90. I finally gave up and got in the giant line snaking through the store. I had a yoga DVD, yoga mat, rug for the bathroom, stress relief eye mask, yoga pants (like I didn’t have enough of those), and two tank tops. I was in line in front of a couple of people I knew who stared at me with sympathy. (I thought the sympathatic looks were because baby boy was screaming and big kids were singing.) It seriously felt like the entire line was gawking at us. I paid (handed the lady the Kohl’s cash) and started to leave. The alarm went off because of the DVD which redirected everyone’s attention to us. As we were leaving the store I ran into one of my husband’s coworkers and his wife. We spoke and I heard them snicker as we walked away. (I assumed the snickers were the ‘haha arent they cute’ type.) I made it to my car, and reached into my back pocket for my keys. I felt something sticking out of the back of my pants. With horror, I realized that in my hurry to leave the house I had grabbed lime green maternity panties (sooooo comfy). They had been sticking out of the top of my way too small skinny jeans with my t shirt pushed up. I walked, bent over Big Bertha, through the entire store for two hours! Nobody told me! Not one staring lady could say, “Excuse me, your giant granny panties are sticking out like a balloon,”??!!
I pulled away from the store with all my weird purchases in the back feeling serious buyer’s remorse (more yoga pants?!?) and a grave disappointment in society.
That horrible trip to town cannot be in vain, so I began my New Year’s Eve with an attempt to do yoga. Yes, that is spit up on my yoga pants.