So, I recently ran into Mark Zuckerberg at Walmart! Weird, I know! He said my kids were adorable, and he gave them each high fives. He didn’t seem to mind when Bubba got a little snot on his hand. Anyway, he really is a great guy. He asked me if I used Facebook. “Use Facebook?” I said, “Dude, I am currently a stay at home mom. I never leave Facebook. Look at my hands.” He looked down.
“See, facebookin’ and not even lookin’!”
He was very impressed. So impressed, in fact, that he asked me to do something for him. Mr. Mark Zuckerberg asked little ole me to post some very important Facebook rules. He said the Facebook police are super busy looking out for idiot criminals who post their crimes and clinical crazies who are making bombs etc., so they can’t monitor every inappropriate status update.
I told him I would accept this assignment for 1.5 million dollars. He said he couldn’t do that, but he would give me his autograph. “Well,” I said, “I guess that will work, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
He pulled out a purple pen. (I know. I was surprised too!) He drew a heart. (Don’t worry, I told him I’m married. It was a platonic kind of heart.) Then he signed his name. He has quite a feminine signature.
Enough with the backstory. Here are the rules:
1. Facebook is not for airing dirty laundry. (I then told Mr. Zuckerberg that really nothing is for airing dirty laundry. You wash it in a machine & dry it in a dryer. Rich people are like babies sometimes.)
He went on to say that only the most childish of folks find it necessary to ‘confront’ others on Facebook.
2. If your post begins with, “I hate to say this,” you shouldn’t post it. If you hate your own words others probably won’t like them either.
3. Daily, “I love my old man,” or “My wifey is hottttt,” status updates are unnecessary. If you tell us you are married/in a relationship we will just assume you love your man/woman until you tell us otherwise. (I sensed some bitterness from Mark. I asked did he want to talk about it. He said yes and began crying uncontrollably. It was really embarrassing.)
4. Judger judgertons are not welcome. You may feel like smoking is wrong, but your ‘friend’, whose mother just died of cigarette smoke induced lung cancer, probably doesn’t want to read, “All smokers will go to hell.” (I pointed out to Mark that these rules are a little judgmental. He said he could do whatever he wanted. Rude!)
Mark asked everyone to view this ehow article describing how to use to, two, and too.
6. You may enjoy nasty, dirty videos, but remember, there are grandmas on Facebook! Mark said his very own sweet little Nana accidentally viewed a twerking video, and she has never been the same. (At this he began to tear up again, but I cut that mess off!)
By now my children were really showing out. One climbed a shelf, like spidey, and flew into an especially grumpy man’s buggy. The other one colored herself with lipstick. A super helpful (eye roll) lady informed me that my baby had thrown up on the floor. I told Mark he had to wrap it up. “Just one more,” he said. “It is something I came up with and I really hope it spreads. I want everyone to use it. I would love for these words to become a Mark Zuckerberg cliche.” Then he told me the final rule,
7. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (“Mark,” I said, “this is the golden rule. Everyone already knows it.” He began to cry.)
That’s it y’all! Oh, if you would like to purchase the autograph it will be on eBay soon. I will start the bidding at 1.5 million dollars.